Reality of the Cross

Out of your mouth,

creation was spoke into existence.

My frame formed from your very breath.

Breath of life.

So, when you speak, I listen.

I do not follow a religion of "repeat, and repeat again".

I follow the One who speaks life, and life abundantly.

So, I lay here and weep,

and you show me your face.

You meet me in my place of despair.

Because that's who you are. A relational God.

When in the Garden, I didn't have a handbook.

My sins were not forgiven by reading from a scroll.

They were through a man.

His name is Jesus.

He bled. He shed tears.

Was beaten to death. Suffocated.

Pierced in the side.

Whipped time and time again.

Ripped flesh hung from his torso.

Beaten, over and over again.

With every attempted breath in, flesh ripping where dry blood kept it clinging to the wood of the cross.

Blood dripping into his eyes.

Thorns, driving into his forehead.

Spit on. Yelled at. Mocked.

THAT's what forgave my sins.

The purest sacrifice enduring persecution, so I didn't have to.

He was a real man, who died for men.

So, as I struggle and need comfort, not knowing who to turn to....

...I will not turn to page 31 of the handbook.

I will turn to the MAN, Jesus. He is faithful and will meet me here.

I look to the cross, there is no longer a man there.

I look to the tomb, and I find it empty.

He's not there, because He is meeting me, face to face, as I weep on my bedroom floor.

The Secret Place

I sit on a mountain

it's peak stretches up

The ground cannot touch it,

even for the birds it is too high

There, I am protected

There, I find my place

It's there I see His face

Every morning when I wake,

I climb that Holy hill

Hoping to catch a glance of His eye

And every morning He meets me there,

Waiting to restore my soul

and give me a fresh touch of His love

That mountain is beautiful,

with it's rocky peak, and cascading clouds around

To the north, I see white billows of snow

To the south, a dry valley low

Greenery all around the entire base,

The sun rising in the east

Colors splash with warmth against my face

The cool wind refreshes my weary soul

As beautiful as that mountain is,

the endless amount of colors I see,

the feelings against my skin

It's in Him where the beauty resides

He is dark and rugged

Not what I imagined when I was little

But, imagination has been destroyed, and encounters replace it

He is not clothed with robes,

or a crown today

He meets me where I am at,

with bare feet and a messy mane

Such an attire for the Son of Man.

He sits there, staring to the East,

His hands bringing His legs close to His chest

He breathes deeply,

the air which He created

Closes His eyes as if listening to One's voice

Nodding slowly, as if responding to the voice in His head,

He turns, locks eyes with mine

It's the look I wake up every morning to see

Because after the glance,

He always speaks to my soul

He begins to tell me secrets of His father

How old these secrets are?

I am not sure

I listen to Him intently,

not to miss a word

He tells me the plans He has for me,

but to protect me

He speaks of a Garden from a distant land

Tells me its creative purpose to walk hand in hand with Him

These are not new concepts,

yet they sound new every morning,

as He hands me the day's mercies.

His whispering voice

does something to my heart

The whisper reminds me

He talks to me alone

No one else is here.

He anoints my head with oil,

and fills my cup until it overflows

He takes my head in His hands,

still not breaking gaze

"I love you. I've always loved you. I will always love you"

With that, I close my eyes

to embrace His words

and listen to His creation in my ears

I hear the wind pick up

It nearly drowns out His whisper

I strain to hear Him more

My dry and weary soul begins to no longer thirst,

for His touch has filled me up

The wind is louder, different now,

It almost sounds like pages knocking against one another

Trying to use other senses to strain past it,

I open my eyes, hoping to hear Him louder

I look around, surprised, as I do every morning

I am back in my room

window flown open,

wind rushing in,

causing my bible to flip violently page to page

Tomorrow, I will meet Him again

Children of the Most High.

I spent the afternoon with some of the most amazing people in all of California.

They know how to do community.

They are grateful for the simple things.

They are content with the least.

Saturday afternoons, I go to the homeless community in downtown Santa Ana. It's actually just a strip of benches and grass outside the courthouse, where around 100 homeless lay their heads at night, and spend the days together. I passed out bags of watermelon, and water bottles, and held simple conversation with them. They are quick to reach out their hands and say "thank you" all at the same time; assuming you want nothing to do with conversation or relationship. They are used to people passing by without a casual "hello" or "how are you?". When I started to ask each of them their names as they received their watermelon, they got so awkward and tense. A few responded, and others looked habitually to the ground and ignored me. When they realized I was genuinely initiating conversation and not just passing out food, they began to open up.

As I hear there stories, my heart gets overwhelmed to share the love of Jesus with them. They have nothing. They need everything. That's what He can give them.

Last week, I sat on the concrete next to an older man named Jeff. We talked about his life, how he got to California, and his history with the church. The part that captured my heart was when he began to share about his family, and specifically his siblings.

He is someone's little brother.

He is someone's son.

My eyes filled with tears as I imagined my own little brother. What if he grew up, and people passed him by on the streets without a simple "hello?". He has so much to offer the world, and he deserves love. What if days went by where he never had a conversation with someone? What if he went days without food? And no one ever considered his needs?

It was then that God gave me a heart for the homeless. Each one is a son or daughter of God. I can't begin to imagine the Lord's amount of grief for each of his lost children, compared to my human heart tears for Jeff. He is loved by the Creator of the Universe, how could I not love him as well?

I am just like them.

My home isn't on this Earth.

I am a child of God.

I will love them, just like Jesus does.

My Boyfriend (Really, this whole post is for my mom).

Disclaimer: this blog is SUPER long.

Disclaimer: you may barf. (from cuteness)

I have contemplated writing a blog about this very subject for awhile. There are pro's and con's to dedicating an entire blog post to writing about your love relationship; But, I've decided I am used to all my friends saying "barf" after every lovey dovey thing I say, or when looking through my Facebook profile pictures. So.... bring on the barf. Blog world: meet Levi Miller

Levi and I met through friends at Youth With A Mission. We actually met an entire year before I went out to do my DTS in Kona. I thought he was a nice boy, and rather handsome, but didn't really get to know him that well. I moved to Kona to do my DTS, and he left to lead an outreach to the Mainland. We hung out a few times in Kona before he left, and had several conversations, but nothing too serious. For some strange reason, I developed the fattest crush on the boy. I literally would find myself daydreaming about him, and get super awkward when we actually talked in person. He was the "famous YWAM worship leader" and I was just a little DTS girl. He helped pioneer one of the biggest ministries on the base (Fire and Fragrance), and in my mind was what they call "out of my league". I don't know if it was his status that made me think he was out of my league.. or just the sheer fact he is the most attractive and talented human being I know.

With that said.. I left for 3 months to Cambodia and thought about him occasionally. I would MAYBE would look at his facebook pictures from time to time but you can't prove that :)

Fast forward to this December. All of my friends were gathering in Kansas City for the OneThing Conference (International House of Prayer). I carpooled with my best friends, Madison Wooster and Kaytlyn Johnson and had the most amazing week of my life. The first day we were there, I was walking out of the convention center and saw Levi walking in. I don't know what happened in my heart, but something shifted as soon as we locked eyes and went for the MOST awkward hug I have ever given anyone (I blame it on the nerves). We were in the same group the rest of the week hanging out, and I kept finding myself wanting to stand next to him, or keep having conversations with him. Everything he said intrigued me, every time he looked at me, my heart would jump. Yet, I was certain the feelings were not mutual. He never gave a sign that he was interested. No flirting, no asking for my number... just amazing conversation and nonstop butterflies. And with that... the week was over. (oh, then he swooped my number from Madison at the end of the week...without telling me.)

Two weeks later, Levi told me he was coming to Oklahoma to try and visit all of his friends there. (I know this now, but didn't then... that he was actually coming to see me). He tried to play it cool, and told me he actually needed a place to stay since our other friends are in sorority houses, and I jumped at the chance. Cute boy staying at my house for a week? Absolutely. This couldn't get any better.

When Levi flew into the Tulsa airport it was so nice outside. Probably in the upper 70's and super sunny. We drove around Tulsa, and got to stay with the amazing Wooster family while Madison showed us around the town. We went and worshipped at a friends house with Sean Feucht, and just had good conversation and amazing food. It was perfect.

Levi and I drove back late that night, and by the next morning there was a legit blizzard. I'm talking... snowed in for days blizzard. I truly believe it was from the Lord. BECAUSE, we were trapped in my house for 4 days with nothing to do besides getting to know each other even more. We played music, drank coffee, and talked about deep things in our hearts. I got to know about his family, and he heard my entire life story. I don't know if he feels the same way, but he became my best friend after that week. It was just so easy to communicate and we didn't have to be entertained. We just sat around for hours doing nothing but laughing and talking.

During the blizzard... we booked tickets for NYC. My best friend was there at the time and we wanted to surprise her. So, after a week of nonstop Levi/Kellye time... we flew together to NYC. We walked around Times Square, hung out at Starbucks, rode the subway.. you know... all the typical NYC stuff. My favorite weather is cold weather and Levi is my favorite person, so it couldn't get any better. Still, I guarded my heart the entire time we were there. I wasn't sure how exactly he felt about me, and I didn't want to be the one to initiate.

After a week, I had to leave NYC and fly to Hawaii to start my training for the April school I was staffing. It was bittersweet, because I had truly developed feelings for Levi, but was leaving for 6 months and didn't know when I would see him again. He had no intentions of coming back to Kona, so I wasn't sure when our paths would ever cross again. But, I knew I could see myself with him. After all the time we had spent together, he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He is an amazing leader, pushed me in my walk with the Lord, was easy to talk to, is incredibly talented, and is so in love with the Lord. Leaving for Kona, I surrendered my feelings completely to the Lord. He had to make this one work, because it wasn't looking to good for Kellye. Living across the Pacific Ocean kind of puts a hinderance on someone pursuing you.

Two weeks after I arrived in Kona, Levi actually flew to Honolulu to speak in a school there.. (like I said, he is a big deal). He was only an island over from me. UGH... still giving it to Jesus.

Sunday, February 27th. Levi shows up in Kona with the intention of staying for 3 days and then flying back to the mainland.

Monday February 28th. Levi takes me out on our first date. (Actually, I didn't think it to be a date, just "talking and getting coffee" which was normal for us). He took me to the sea wall downtown and begins the most romantic monologue in the entire world. Seriously, it should have been recorded and put in a movie. Telling me everything he loved about me, and how the Lord had been speaking to him about pursuing me. By the end of the night, he had decided to ditch his plane ticket back to the mainland and stay and pursue my heart. That's right... my pursuit story starts with a boy flying half way around the world just to be where I am to pursue me. Probably the most romantic thing in the world.

For the next 4 months, Levi and I began our dating relationship. He was so creative in the way he pursued my heart, and it looked nothing like what I thought dating was. He would pray for me every night, or ask the Lord about things in our relationship and share them with me. We would cook dinner, and sit around and talk about our dreams, and our childhood. (I feel like a Norah Jones song would be so relevant to enter here.) Our last date before I left for Outreach, he planned out a Song of Solomon date (because I am studying that book at the moment). He brought dates, and figs, and dark chocolate and apples, and we sat around and discussed what I was learning. UGH... every boy should take notes from him.

Now, I am in L.A. and Levi is in Washington. We have 3 months apart while I lead the most amazing outreach team in the world. It has been hard to be away from him, but there is so much grace on it. I get to press in and pursue the Lord in a whole new way, and I have honestly grown so much.

Basically, if you haven't barfed yet... I will make sure you do now. My mom always asked after I went on dates in high school, "did he treat you like a princess?" I could never truly answer yes to that question until I met Levi. I ALWAYS feel pursued, I ALWAYS feel protected, and I know he is ALWAYS seeking the Lord about our relationship. He knows exactly what my heart needs, and guards it so well. Not to mention... he is the most attractive human being on the planet, so that helps. I still get butterflies when he tells me I am beautiful, I still get nervous singing around him, and I still melt when I hear him play music. I have no idea how I could get the most amazing man in the world to pursue my heart the way he does. :)

Cellar Door

I first learned that the phrase "cellar door" was the most beautiful phrase in all of the English language when I was in high school.

I debated the idea, wondering how one could pick such a simple phrase out of all of our vocabulary and title it "most beautiful". With no regard for semantics, just simply based on how it sounds coming out of one's mouth. This seems so silly to just dub something beautiful without real grounds to do so. Seriously, when you look at the word, it's what my grandparents have in their backyard, with weeds grown over it. The only real use it gets is during tornado season or to hold unnecessary amounts of canned peaches. I wrestled over this concept the entire duration of my junior year. This simple phrase, being named most beautiful.

Beautiful, just because the scholar knows it to be.
Beautiful, just because the author says it to be.
Beautiful, just because the foreigner hears it to be.

This compound noun has unpacked so much revelation to my heart lately:

I spent the other afternoon in a town called Santa Ana. I walked up and down the gang filled streets, witnessing the homeless, the broken, the unsaved, the addicts, and the prostitutes. In a sense, I felt the way Jesus did. So out of place among a crowd of people that were nothing like me. I have nothing to offer this community from a wordly perspective. I cannot speak their language, aside from the occasional "Hola" and "gracias", and have nothing to offer the drug dealers on the corners. I can't rescue the prostitutes on the street corners, and I had nothing but a genuine smile to offer the homeless begging for a place to lay their head.

Walking the streets, there was such a tension in my heart. I wanted a real, deep down, shake me to the core love for the lost. I wanted revelation for how the Father feels for the unsaved and broken of the world.

It was right then that I saw her. The most beautiful being I have ever locked eyes with. Her mother, dressed in barely nothing was on the other side of the porch, speaking loudly to two men in Spanish. From her body language, and the way she was dressed, I assumed the conversation was not appropriate for such a little one. She (the little one) was alone on the opposite end of the porch, humming quietly to herself, and shuffling up and down the outside staircase. No one was paying her attention. Her clothes were two sizes too small and her hair had gone days without being brushed. Not once during her mothers conversation, were eyes glanced her way. Yet, she seemed content, looking down at her feet, watching her every step up and down the stairway.

I was told her house was the biggest crack house on the block. Every few days, police raids and evacuations. Occasional fires and "blowups" in the kitchen. Yet, days after evacuation, they were all back in the house. The curtains were torn, and boards put up where windows had been broken. Trash was scattered on the lawn, and loud music echoed from the living room into the street.

Suddenly, I caught her attention from across the street. She giggled and ran straight up the stairs and into the house. Against the unpainted house, the unpolished lawn, the broken windows and in her own stained clothes, she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Beautiful, because the Author created her to be.
Beautiful, because the foreigner sees her to be.

She is the "cellar door" to my english language. I have no grounds to prove she is beautiful. I have nothing but the sound of her giggle, and the glimmer of hope in her eyes to describe her has pure beauty. And with that, the Lord brought clarity to the phrase, and brought revelation for His eyes for the lost.

Song of Songs 4:7

As a woman, it's sometimes hard for us to gain perspective on self-worth and body image. In the words of Bill Johnson, "I can't afford to have thoughts in my head about me that God doesn't have in His". I want all women to know how the Lord views them; as beautiful, spotless and pure.

So... I wrote a song about it. Inspired by two very beautiful woman. My best friend, April Cossey, and a 6 year old Khmer girl I met in Cambodia.

Beloved:

Her clothes state that of what she lacks,
but her smile tells of what she's gained.
For today she received revelation
she's never viewed herself this way.

She begins to read through her bible
flips through the pages
She ends up somewhere in the middle
It's a love story next to the book of Praise

As she reads, her eyes fill with tears
as she learns of her worth
The One who wrote it, begins to speak to her soul and she hears.

He loves her with no makeup
He tells her of her worth.
Says she's flawless
with eyes like a dove
and, He calls her His Beloved.

Her clothes state that of what she lacks
but, her smile says what she's gained
For today she received a bible,
its the first time, she's ever heard His name.

She takes my hand, walks me through her village
Waves to her brothers as they run and play
They call out mean names and
she ducks her head, eyes fill with pain

As she reads, her eyes fill with tears
as she learns of her worth
The One who wrote it, begins to speak to her soul and she hears.

He loves her with no makeup
He tells her of her worth.
Says she's flawless
with eyes like a dove
and, He calls her His Beloved.

Meet the Team!!

Erin Crain is a FIERY 32 year old from Tacoma, Washington. When I say FIERY, I actually mean pyromaniac. When she prays… its pure fire. When she speaks… it's pure fire. She is the definition of bold and fearless in every aspect. She loves the Lord with all of her heart and has been waiting patiently to join YWAM and enter the Mission. The Lord knew what He was doing when He put her on my team. Not only is Erin trained up in freedom and leading people into sovereign deliverance before the Lord, she is an incredibly talented rapper. You heard me… RAPPER. I have never heard anything like it. She is a preacher, teacher, evangelist, fearless leader.. but most importantly, a friend. Sometimes I feel silly being her "leader" since she is older and wiser than me. She also has really rad hair.

Rami Son is the most diverse woman I have ever met. When I first met her, I was thrown for a loop. Here is this incredibly beautiful little Korean girl, but then she opens her mouth and has the thickest Spanish accent while having perfect English grammar. She is from Ecuador and speaks Spanish, Korean, and English… and does them all fluently and beautifully. It is so refreshing to know we are called as a team to "go into the nations" but I feel like we are bringing all of the nations with us in this one woman. She has an amazingly tender heart before the Lord and it has been such a joy getting to know her. She is bold in her speech and not afraid to preach the Gospel to anyone around. I have had the privilege to walk with her "one-on-one" in discipleship over the past 3 months and I have seen her heart be transformed, restored and set free time and time again. I believe she is called to bring women into true restoration and will begin walking that out over the next 3 months.


RoseMary Cho (aka Rosey) is an incredibly mature 18 year old from Indiana. She has a stinking cute high voice and soft speech and my heart is at peace when I am around her. She carries such authority in innocence and purity and I believe high school girls will be brought into the Kingdom just because of her friendship with the Lord. I have seen her grow and mature radically in the past 3 months and she is such an asset to our team. Did I mention she is Korean-American?! Bringing the nations with us. The first time I prayed for Rosey, I felt the Lord say these things: "joyful" "dancer" and "seeker of truth". She is marked for joy, is carrying it into America, and will release it into all the nations.

Jamie Chang is an 18 year old ALSO from Indiana. Fun fact: she and Rosey were friends before DTS and now they are on the same Outreach Team together! I am beyond excited for this joyful woman to be going to L.A. and NYC with us. She is careless, fearless, and so teachable before the Lord. She carries a boldness like I have never seen. I am excited for our friendship to blossom, especially because we are so different. My first impression of Jamie was on a "get to know you" night the first week of school we had to give "fun facts" about ourselves. Of course, mine were the following: "My name is Kellye, I love pink and I love rhinestones". Jamie's "get to know you" fact was quite the opposite: "My name is Jamie, I hate pink I think it's obnoxious". She loves MMA fighting and tattoos and has really rad converse high tops. Although from the worlds viewpoint, we are complete opposites, I see her heart before the Lord and how incredibly gifted and anointed she is, and I cannot wait to run with her and transform hearts with her. Anytime she opens her mouth to pray or speak, it does something to my heart. I do not have language for it yet, but I see something in that tiny little girl. She is pregnant with destiny and the Lord is about to push her into greater greatness.

Nali Kim is an incredibly beautiful 20 year old from "Philly". If her style doesn't make her the stinking cutest thing you have ever seen, her accent will. She has genuinely become one of my best friends in the past 3 months and I couldn't imagine this trip without her. Best part about Nali joining YWAM and coming on Outreach: her mother tricked her into it. Yes, you heard me. She was tricked into coming. BUT, I have never seen a more teachable heart and hunger before the Lord. We have laughed together, cried together, fought for each other, and I have seen utter transformation in that woman's heart. She has a heart for the lost, and a heart for women and wants to work with those that have been trafficked. I am telling you… this woman will transform the whole world. She has truly "counted it all as loss" for the sake of knowing Jesus. Leaving her family, and friends and life back home and seek after the Lord, she has experience intimacy and relationship with Jesus in a whole new way. I had the AMAZING privilege of baptizing her in the Pacific Ocean a couple weeks ago. She has been set ablaze for the Living God, and is ready to take it to the nations!

Last but certainly not least… my BEAUTIFUL co-leader Lizzie Stein. She is the most mature, joyful, and humble 20 year old I have ever met. (Pause… I feel like I am a pageant announcer in this whole blog. I can see my girls coming on stage in fancy dresses doing a stiff and rigid wrist wave, while I hold my MC mic and read there well-written bios aloud to the audience…. unpause). I met Lizzie last year during my DTS. She was in PhotogenX and would come into the cafe every morning where I worked and would order a "quad-shot Milli Vinelli". We got to know each other a little, but it was when we came back to staff we really went deep into friendship. She is an insanely talented photographer and went to India last year for her outreach (you should look her up on Facebook and creep her work). I have had close girlfriends growing up, but Lizzie really has found a unique place in my heart. She is my accountability partner, prayer partner, crying on the shoulder partner, and "Kellye, get a grip on life" partner. I am so thankful she is leading this team with me. She has a heart for University and High schoolers to radically encounter the love of Jesus and come into the Kingdom. She is a little bundle of love and freedom and carries the manifest presence of Jesus anywhere she goes. She has truly become one of my closest friends and I know we will be bonded forever after this summer.
Shameless Lizzie plug: http://www.elizabethannephoto.blogspot.com

THERE YOU HAVE IT. My incredible team. We head out on the 29th of this month, staying in L.A. for 7 weeks, then off to N.Y.C. for 4 weeks. We believe we will see many come into the Kingdom, we will unify the Body, and bring friendship and love everywhere we go through our little family centered around the presence of Jesus. 7 very different girls…entering a very broken nation of America…. praying for absolute revival. In the words of Erin Crain: FIRE!!!