A Mess

I've lost my words,

my thoughts have disappeared.

My pen no longer knows it's old friend, paper.

It's the end of the day,

and I am alone.

Alone with the thoughts in my head, that no longer make sense.

Alone with the tension in my heart.

Fighting for love. Fighting for life.

Distance greets me.

Trust leaves me.

My inner self meets me.

Pride and humility clash like fond warriors.

My opinions are chaos, blinding me from selfless love.

Pride sure makes a mess when it clothes itself for dignity and honor.

What do I want the most?

My Jesus met soul says, "humility, and all things good."

My pain stained past says "your habitual responses create familiar protection".

So, I build new walls,

form new callouses.

Because, sometimes, it feels better to want to healed,

than actually healed itself.

Our Engagement Story

{On October 1st, Michael Levi Miller got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. To the best of my ability, I want to share the story with the world. (It's hard to remember with all the sobbing/snotting/crying that was going on on my part).}

Prologue (WHAT YOU MUST KNOW)

Before I begin, there are a couple things you must know about our dating relationship that will make sense about the proposal story. Get ready to read the most epic/romantic/thoughtful engagement story of your life. (I'm slightly biased…. but it's REAL GOOD)

Part 1 (A MOUNTAIN)

After about 2 months into our dating relationship, Levi took me to a mountain called Mauna Kea on the big island of Hawaii. It's a very strange occurrence to be bundled up in coats and mittens on a snowy mountain, when just a few hours before you were on a hot sunny Hawaiian beach. That's even more of the beauty of this mountain. It's like God just thought "this island is too sweaty and sunny… put a snowy mountain on top of it". Anyhow, Levi and I spent the evening with good friends in the back of a truck, above the clouds on the mountaintop. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. We watched a sunset of many colors, above the clouds, and then watched the starry sky without any interruption. It's like you are literally IN the sky watching the universe operate around you. I felt so close to the Lord.

That was the night Levi told me he was in love with me; on a beautiful mountaintop watching the sunset.

Part 2 (A RING)

Levi and I were apart for a good chunk of the summer. Before I left for L.A., I wanted to give him something special. I asked the Lord, and felt like I should write him a letter for every week, including things I felt the Lord was going to do in his heart for that specific week. So, I went to Target, bought some stationary, and began writing. I had 12 envelopes, each one labeled with "Week 1", "Week 2", etc.

The morning I left, Levi picked me up and took me to a cute breakfast cafe up the mountain (or island, whichever you prefer). We ate eggs benedict and talked about how much we would miss each other over the summer. Mushy gushy stuff… I'm sure the waiter was gagging. After breakfast, I was ready to give my well-thought through present. (Here's where it gets weird). Levi pulls out 12 of the SAME envelope stationary, each one labeled with the week number. He then says, "the Lord told me to write you a letter for each week you were gone, with what He would do in your heart that week). You heard it, same freaking present. I cried.

After I stopped crying, he gave me one of the most thoughtful presents I have ever received. (I say this hesitantly, because I have an amazing father who tends to outdo himself with presents and surprises). Levi gave me a ring he had been wearing on his left hand for almost 2 years now. He wore it as a "covenant ring" to the Lord, and said he felt to give it to me as a "promise ring". This was so dear to him, because he wore it during a year long Nazarite vow he took for all of 2009. It was a very intense and life changing season he had with Lord. Attached to the ring, was a string from his tallit. This is the proper name for the Jewish prayer garment he bought in Israel while doing ministry there. It was just so special to me, because it spoke to my heart about his commitment to the Lord first and foremost, and then to my heart.

Part 3 (LOSING THE RING).

I put Levi's ring on a necklace my dad had given me after high school once I was in L.A. I actually put the necklace in a box about the second week in, because I didn't want to lose it doing ministry. By the time I got home in September, I went to put my necklace on for the first time, and found the ring missing. I was hysterical. For those of you who have experience my dramatics, you will know. I called April Cossey, my mom, Kaytlyn Johnson, and finally Levi...FREAKING OUT. The necklace was closed, but the ring was gone. I felt terrible. The most precious thing Levi gave me, I lost. I awarded myself the "worst girlfriend" award.

Part 4 (SEATTLE)

Last Friday, I arrived in Seattle. I knew I wasn't seeing Levi until Saturday evening, because he was 2 hours away and his car was in the shop. (I know now, this was a total lie). My mom and I were going to be driving around on Saturday looking at property (she's buying a house in Seattle), and Levi mentioned something earlier in the week about showing us some mountain. The plan was to meet him at the base of the mountain resort Saturday evening, and we would ride the gondola up together as a family and see the sunset. About an hour before we got there, Levi texted me saying he was going to be late. He said to go up the gondola without him, and he would meet us at the top of the mountain. He didn't want us to miss the sunset. We finally got to the mountain, and I stalled like crazy. I didn't want to go up without him. I was doing everything to procrastinate. My mom FINALLY convinced me to get on the gondola. After my diva fit wore off, I decided to listen to my mom and boyfriend.

Part 5 (GONDOLA RIDE).

I handed the attendant my ticket, and he smiled back at me in the creepiest way. Literally, grinning ear to ear, nearly giggling. I gave him a confused look back, and started walking towards the gondola. The next attendant stopped me and said "wait, this is for you." She handed me an iPhone with headphones and a card that read "put the earphones in, and press play when the gondola departs". I was SO CONFUSED. I recognized Levi's handwriting, so I knew it was from him. I kept looking back and forth at my mom saying "wait… what? what? what? what?". (Now, I bet you are thinking "you totally knew he was going to propose by now!". Not at all. My boyfriend does epic dates ALL THE STINKING TIME, so in my mind, he is just being his sweet Levi self; tricking me that he isn't there yet, giving me cute cards).

I sit down in the gondola and put my headphones in. I press play, and this movie on YouTube starts playing. "Realize" by Colbie Caillat is playing in the background (a song Levi and I always sing together) and there are a slideshow of pictures of us. Occasionally, the music would die down, and a voiceover of Levi talking would come on. He recorded conversations he had about me, and then used them in the movie. Things he loved about me, things that he wanted for me, anything and everything romantic you could think of. I was a sobbing, snotting mess.

The movie quit right as our gondola came to a stop.

Part 6 (MOUNTAIN SUMMIT)

I stepped out to see another attendant holding a sign that said "Kellye Rae Vetter". He handed me another card, and then directed me down a hill…. and said someone was waiting for me. As I walked down the hill, and turned the corner, I saw a huge platform at the summit of the mountain. In the middle, was a table with candles, rose bouquets, rose petals, wine, bread, and a box. The weather was super foggy and almost rainy, and it made it look like that was the only thing on the whole mountain. I literally couldn't see anything else but the candlelight. As I approached the platform, Levi came around the corner. I lost it again.

After we embraced, Levi grabbed my hand and led me towards the table. He then began a romantic monologue of how much he loved me, how he wanted to spend his life with me, and many other great things that I honestly don't remember due to the complete shock, confusion, and craziness running through my brain. I have always told myself I would remember every tiny detail of my engagement. Good thing my mom was there snapping photos.

Part 7 (DOWN ON ONE KNEE)

Next thing I knew, Levi was down on one knee. I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing a million miles a second. "Kellye Rae Vetter…will you marry me?". AHHHHHHHHHH. I couldn't gather my thoughts enough to say "yes", so I left him down there for quite some time. I finally spit out the words, and he put the ring on my RIGHT hand. Cutest thing you have ever seen. I died laughing (the whole mountain heard) and he got bright red.

He then said, "that's your covenant ring". As if I wasn't confused/shocked/and emotional enough. I looked at him like he was crazy and he said "I had April steal it for me". I punched him in the shoulder, and then cursed my best friend under my breath for putting me through so much heartache thinking I had lost the thing. :)

Levi only does things from the heart. He could get me any ring, but knew that one would move my heart in greater ways because of the symbolism in it. It represents covenant, and faithfulness, and promises fulfilled. Again, he outdid himself with heartfelt, prayed-through details. My heart was undone.

Part 8 (PRAISE THE LORD)

Levi brought wine and bread up to the mountaintop for the proposal. As soon as he put the ring on my hand, he said "I want to take communion and honor Jesus". He held me in his arms, and thanked the Lord for every good thing He has given us, to bless our union, and just praised Jesus for a super hot fiance (jokes… but I did).

We remembered His suffering, and thanked Him for giving us righteousness. It was the same feeling as that night on Mauna Kea when Levi told me He loved me. I felt so close to the Lord, as if I could reach out and touch him. Mountaintops help with that feeling.

If I am certain of anything to this point, is that when I am with Levi, I experience the Lord in great ways, and feel loved in ways I never thought imaginable.

Our Engagement Story

Reality of the Cross

Out of your mouth,

creation was spoke into existence.

My frame formed from your very breath.

Breath of life.

So, when you speak, I listen.

I do not follow a religion of "repeat, and repeat again".

I follow the One who speaks life, and life abundantly.

So, I lay here and weep,

and you show me your face.

You meet me in my place of despair.

Because that's who you are. A relational God.

When in the Garden, I didn't have a handbook.

My sins were not forgiven by reading from a scroll.

They were through a man.

His name is Jesus.

He bled. He shed tears.

Was beaten to death. Suffocated.

Pierced in the side.

Whipped time and time again.

Ripped flesh hung from his torso.

Beaten, over and over again.

With every attempted breath in, flesh ripping where dry blood kept it clinging to the wood of the cross.

Blood dripping into his eyes.

Thorns, driving into his forehead.

Spit on. Yelled at. Mocked.

THAT's what forgave my sins.

The purest sacrifice enduring persecution, so I didn't have to.

He was a real man, who died for men.

So, as I struggle and need comfort, not knowing who to turn to....

...I will not turn to page 31 of the handbook.

I will turn to the MAN, Jesus. He is faithful and will meet me here.

I look to the cross, there is no longer a man there.

I look to the tomb, and I find it empty.

He's not there, because He is meeting me, face to face, as I weep on my bedroom floor.

The Secret Place

I sit on a mountain

it's peak stretches up

The ground cannot touch it,

even for the birds it is too high

There, I am protected

There, I find my place

It's there I see His face

Every morning when I wake,

I climb that Holy hill

Hoping to catch a glance of His eye

And every morning He meets me there,

Waiting to restore my soul

and give me a fresh touch of His love

That mountain is beautiful,

with it's rocky peak, and cascading clouds around

To the north, I see white billows of snow

To the south, a dry valley low

Greenery all around the entire base,

The sun rising in the east

Colors splash with warmth against my face

The cool wind refreshes my weary soul

As beautiful as that mountain is,

the endless amount of colors I see,

the feelings against my skin

It's in Him where the beauty resides

He is dark and rugged

Not what I imagined when I was little

But, imagination has been destroyed, and encounters replace it

He is not clothed with robes,

or a crown today

He meets me where I am at,

with bare feet and a messy mane

Such an attire for the Son of Man.

He sits there, staring to the East,

His hands bringing His legs close to His chest

He breathes deeply,

the air which He created

Closes His eyes as if listening to One's voice

Nodding slowly, as if responding to the voice in His head,

He turns, locks eyes with mine

It's the look I wake up every morning to see

Because after the glance,

He always speaks to my soul

He begins to tell me secrets of His father

How old these secrets are?

I am not sure

I listen to Him intently,

not to miss a word

He tells me the plans He has for me,

but to protect me

He speaks of a Garden from a distant land

Tells me its creative purpose to walk hand in hand with Him

These are not new concepts,

yet they sound new every morning,

as He hands me the day's mercies.

His whispering voice

does something to my heart

The whisper reminds me

He talks to me alone

No one else is here.

He anoints my head with oil,

and fills my cup until it overflows

He takes my head in His hands,

still not breaking gaze

"I love you. I've always loved you. I will always love you"

With that, I close my eyes

to embrace His words

and listen to His creation in my ears

I hear the wind pick up

It nearly drowns out His whisper

I strain to hear Him more

My dry and weary soul begins to no longer thirst,

for His touch has filled me up

The wind is louder, different now,

It almost sounds like pages knocking against one another

Trying to use other senses to strain past it,

I open my eyes, hoping to hear Him louder

I look around, surprised, as I do every morning

I am back in my room

window flown open,

wind rushing in,

causing my bible to flip violently page to page

Tomorrow, I will meet Him again

Children of the Most High.

I spent the afternoon with some of the most amazing people in all of California.

They know how to do community.

They are grateful for the simple things.

They are content with the least.

Saturday afternoons, I go to the homeless community in downtown Santa Ana. It's actually just a strip of benches and grass outside the courthouse, where around 100 homeless lay their heads at night, and spend the days together. I passed out bags of watermelon, and water bottles, and held simple conversation with them. They are quick to reach out their hands and say "thank you" all at the same time; assuming you want nothing to do with conversation or relationship. They are used to people passing by without a casual "hello" or "how are you?". When I started to ask each of them their names as they received their watermelon, they got so awkward and tense. A few responded, and others looked habitually to the ground and ignored me. When they realized I was genuinely initiating conversation and not just passing out food, they began to open up.

As I hear there stories, my heart gets overwhelmed to share the love of Jesus with them. They have nothing. They need everything. That's what He can give them.

Last week, I sat on the concrete next to an older man named Jeff. We talked about his life, how he got to California, and his history with the church. The part that captured my heart was when he began to share about his family, and specifically his siblings.

He is someone's little brother.

He is someone's son.

My eyes filled with tears as I imagined my own little brother. What if he grew up, and people passed him by on the streets without a simple "hello?". He has so much to offer the world, and he deserves love. What if days went by where he never had a conversation with someone? What if he went days without food? And no one ever considered his needs?

It was then that God gave me a heart for the homeless. Each one is a son or daughter of God. I can't begin to imagine the Lord's amount of grief for each of his lost children, compared to my human heart tears for Jeff. He is loved by the Creator of the Universe, how could I not love him as well?

I am just like them.

My home isn't on this Earth.

I am a child of God.

I will love them, just like Jesus does.

My Boyfriend (Really, this whole post is for my mom).

Disclaimer: this blog is SUPER long.

Disclaimer: you may barf. (from cuteness)

I have contemplated writing a blog about this very subject for awhile. There are pro's and con's to dedicating an entire blog post to writing about your love relationship; But, I've decided I am used to all my friends saying "barf" after every lovey dovey thing I say, or when looking through my Facebook profile pictures. So.... bring on the barf. Blog world: meet Levi Miller

Levi and I met through friends at Youth With A Mission. We actually met an entire year before I went out to do my DTS in Kona. I thought he was a nice boy, and rather handsome, but didn't really get to know him that well. I moved to Kona to do my DTS, and he left to lead an outreach to the Mainland. We hung out a few times in Kona before he left, and had several conversations, but nothing too serious. For some strange reason, I developed the fattest crush on the boy. I literally would find myself daydreaming about him, and get super awkward when we actually talked in person. He was the "famous YWAM worship leader" and I was just a little DTS girl. He helped pioneer one of the biggest ministries on the base (Fire and Fragrance), and in my mind was what they call "out of my league". I don't know if it was his status that made me think he was out of my league.. or just the sheer fact he is the most attractive and talented human being I know.

With that said.. I left for 3 months to Cambodia and thought about him occasionally. I would MAYBE would look at his facebook pictures from time to time but you can't prove that :)

Fast forward to this December. All of my friends were gathering in Kansas City for the OneThing Conference (International House of Prayer). I carpooled with my best friends, Madison Wooster and Kaytlyn Johnson and had the most amazing week of my life. The first day we were there, I was walking out of the convention center and saw Levi walking in. I don't know what happened in my heart, but something shifted as soon as we locked eyes and went for the MOST awkward hug I have ever given anyone (I blame it on the nerves). We were in the same group the rest of the week hanging out, and I kept finding myself wanting to stand next to him, or keep having conversations with him. Everything he said intrigued me, every time he looked at me, my heart would jump. Yet, I was certain the feelings were not mutual. He never gave a sign that he was interested. No flirting, no asking for my number... just amazing conversation and nonstop butterflies. And with that... the week was over. (oh, then he swooped my number from Madison at the end of the week...without telling me.)

Two weeks later, Levi told me he was coming to Oklahoma to try and visit all of his friends there. (I know this now, but didn't then... that he was actually coming to see me). He tried to play it cool, and told me he actually needed a place to stay since our other friends are in sorority houses, and I jumped at the chance. Cute boy staying at my house for a week? Absolutely. This couldn't get any better.

When Levi flew into the Tulsa airport it was so nice outside. Probably in the upper 70's and super sunny. We drove around Tulsa, and got to stay with the amazing Wooster family while Madison showed us around the town. We went and worshipped at a friends house with Sean Feucht, and just had good conversation and amazing food. It was perfect.

Levi and I drove back late that night, and by the next morning there was a legit blizzard. I'm talking... snowed in for days blizzard. I truly believe it was from the Lord. BECAUSE, we were trapped in my house for 4 days with nothing to do besides getting to know each other even more. We played music, drank coffee, and talked about deep things in our hearts. I got to know about his family, and he heard my entire life story. I don't know if he feels the same way, but he became my best friend after that week. It was just so easy to communicate and we didn't have to be entertained. We just sat around for hours doing nothing but laughing and talking.

During the blizzard... we booked tickets for NYC. My best friend was there at the time and we wanted to surprise her. So, after a week of nonstop Levi/Kellye time... we flew together to NYC. We walked around Times Square, hung out at Starbucks, rode the subway.. you know... all the typical NYC stuff. My favorite weather is cold weather and Levi is my favorite person, so it couldn't get any better. Still, I guarded my heart the entire time we were there. I wasn't sure how exactly he felt about me, and I didn't want to be the one to initiate.

After a week, I had to leave NYC and fly to Hawaii to start my training for the April school I was staffing. It was bittersweet, because I had truly developed feelings for Levi, but was leaving for 6 months and didn't know when I would see him again. He had no intentions of coming back to Kona, so I wasn't sure when our paths would ever cross again. But, I knew I could see myself with him. After all the time we had spent together, he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He is an amazing leader, pushed me in my walk with the Lord, was easy to talk to, is incredibly talented, and is so in love with the Lord. Leaving for Kona, I surrendered my feelings completely to the Lord. He had to make this one work, because it wasn't looking to good for Kellye. Living across the Pacific Ocean kind of puts a hinderance on someone pursuing you.

Two weeks after I arrived in Kona, Levi actually flew to Honolulu to speak in a school there.. (like I said, he is a big deal). He was only an island over from me. UGH... still giving it to Jesus.

Sunday, February 27th. Levi shows up in Kona with the intention of staying for 3 days and then flying back to the mainland.

Monday February 28th. Levi takes me out on our first date. (Actually, I didn't think it to be a date, just "talking and getting coffee" which was normal for us). He took me to the sea wall downtown and begins the most romantic monologue in the entire world. Seriously, it should have been recorded and put in a movie. Telling me everything he loved about me, and how the Lord had been speaking to him about pursuing me. By the end of the night, he had decided to ditch his plane ticket back to the mainland and stay and pursue my heart. That's right... my pursuit story starts with a boy flying half way around the world just to be where I am to pursue me. Probably the most romantic thing in the world.

For the next 4 months, Levi and I began our dating relationship. He was so creative in the way he pursued my heart, and it looked nothing like what I thought dating was. He would pray for me every night, or ask the Lord about things in our relationship and share them with me. We would cook dinner, and sit around and talk about our dreams, and our childhood. (I feel like a Norah Jones song would be so relevant to enter here.) Our last date before I left for Outreach, he planned out a Song of Solomon date (because I am studying that book at the moment). He brought dates, and figs, and dark chocolate and apples, and we sat around and discussed what I was learning. UGH... every boy should take notes from him.

Now, I am in L.A. and Levi is in Washington. We have 3 months apart while I lead the most amazing outreach team in the world. It has been hard to be away from him, but there is so much grace on it. I get to press in and pursue the Lord in a whole new way, and I have honestly grown so much.

Basically, if you haven't barfed yet... I will make sure you do now. My mom always asked after I went on dates in high school, "did he treat you like a princess?" I could never truly answer yes to that question until I met Levi. I ALWAYS feel pursued, I ALWAYS feel protected, and I know he is ALWAYS seeking the Lord about our relationship. He knows exactly what my heart needs, and guards it so well. Not to mention... he is the most attractive human being on the planet, so that helps. I still get butterflies when he tells me I am beautiful, I still get nervous singing around him, and I still melt when I hear him play music. I have no idea how I could get the most amazing man in the world to pursue my heart the way he does. :)